Perhaps Love

Perhaps love is like a resting place a shelter from the storm – John Denver and Placido Domingo

 

I was listening to a bunch of tracks the other day that brought back so many childhood memories. If you know me at all, you’ll likely know I usually avoid that kind of trip.

But I have been forcing myself to hunt lately. For the good. I have spent many years face to face with the less pleasant stuff in the pursuit of trying to forget it (fucked up how we do that, hey?) and have decided to switch it up.

Not give the negative any power, and rather choose to amplify the positives.

And so, because music is such a powerful language for me, I’m using it as a vehicle to carry myself to places I loved, moments I can cherish and to the parts of my childhood, I can look back on and not have my stomach churn.

John Denver specifically had such a sweet, simple, non-fussed way of both lyric writing and, if those lyrics are to be believed, living. His voice was one of the constants throughout my growing years.

And as I listen now, it’s not just to how fun jumping on “Grandma’s Feather Bed” sounded but also to the profound wisdom of just allowing others to love you, or savoring a simple meal on a farm with your love is.

Love is both so incredibly complex and dead simple.

For humans anyway. We make the former happen, when in fact the latter is the truth.

LOVE IS SIMPLE.

It is.

It’s fiercely powerful. It’s satiating. It’s calming and uplifting. It’s literally everything we as human beings seek, in the odd ways that we do.

How we go about loving…that’s the complex part.

In the last few months, I have been journeying to places within myself that I didn’t even know existed. It’s been both wonderful and utterly horrible.

I’ve gone through waves of feeling light, elated and more informed on my own being and then lurked in the dark of anger, frustration, isolated with my self-doubt, and feeling judgy as fuck.

We judge in others what we most need to deal with in ourselves. It’s as if all the things you see in yourself as a failing or a shortcoming lights up like a big flashing neon sign above someone else. And with the myriad beings, we pass on social media each day, our lives become a tad like a fairground of distraction.

My circus, my monkies

Lights, sounds and feelings we are overwhelmed by… thinking that the “fault” lies with others, when in essence it’s just a mirror in the hall of horrors, showing us our own shit…

Seeing someone act like a spoilt brat and it REALLY irks you, like…more than it should for someone you don’t really know? Dig into your own expectations. See if you actually need a reality check.

Annoyed by someone else’s health/fitness/spiritual journey? Time to look inside.

Spot someone obsessively selling how great a parent they are, like…, more than seems is needed for an average person who knows their worth? Notice how your head is whispering about how you might feel you did that at a point too to validate your own shortcomings. OR maybe it’s saying “you should be a better parent.”

You get my drift.

Sometimes we need to acknowledge that our irritation at someone else’s behavior is because it mirrors ours. Or perhaps something we have done in the past and hoped no one noticed. Someone did though. You did. And that feeling isn’t going anywhere on its own

That’s the time to stop. Acknowledge it. To yourself at the very least. And to whomever, you may have upset with the behavior, if you feel it’s needed. And then let go.

We will continue to see all that we need to work on and fix radiating out of others until we own it. Deal with it and release it with the intent of not repeating it.

This is where I am at

And so, I’ve been struggling. With my lack of self-love, and my inherent deep dislike for myself (I’d call it self-loathing) for most of my life, it’s like the world is a giant, flashing sign, yelling

DEAL WITH ME!!

And I’m trying. Mostly succeeding, I think. But Some days the more levels of myself I unearth, the deeper it all goes. And the harder it becomes. As if I’ll need to be hat-tipping my fuck ups and shortcomings and saying sorry for who I’ve been for eternity.

Or perhaps, I’ll just dig deep enough to find the woman who is free enough to accept that who you are right now is what’s real, is who you have control over the outcome of. And the person you can most definitely avoid having to say sorry to.

For now, I’ll keep digging, accepting, learning and letting go.

Because until I do, love stays complex. Especially self-love.
Until then, I’ll just keep singing along with John, because  he seemed to know that;

“And even if you lose yourself
And don’t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through”

With Love and respect
Trace
x x x
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