Odd word. Means different things to different people. Perhaps relationships, or fiscal, or employment. For me historically, its meant: unobtainable. Given I had a rocky start to my trust base in humanity, security has been the cornerstone of where I have placed my focus.
As a younger person, my peers all strived and longed for freedom. I just wanted to have security.
And so it became that THING. That thing you have strived for, fought for, scraped for, panicked about all your life. And then sometimes you get closer in some facets of life. And it feels amazing. Magical.
And then, for whatever reason, it feels like you’re losing it again.
All those fighty, panicky, scrapey-like feelings come back in a split second.
So I ask myself, what if perhaps we could just switch off who we are, and not have it mangle who we are destined to be?
We are never completely right for those around us. Compromise keeps things flowing. But the truth is, what we are, is not the same as any another, and therein lies spectacular discomfort.
Too feeling, too unfeeling, too intense, not intense enough. It seems that no matter what our intentions, unless we remold ourselves to those around us, as and when they need us to, we will never be enough… or just be too much, as the situation may have it. For them anyway.
The same levels of passion that drive your bond day to day are not welcome when the moment changes sometimes and if you can’t gear it back, or just ‘not be you’, you are suddenly not who the other person needs. Bye Bye security.
And it’s profound when it happens.
Their needs need to be met and whatever you will be feeling, if it isn’t how they feel, will be wrong. Because that’s what humans are.
Self-preservation. Making sure you survive. Be it in the wilderness, or in your own kitchen.
When you perceive your world or space as you know it, to be changing or disappearing you get defensive, protective and about yourself. A natural human response. Unhelpful at best, but natural. Emotions peak, logic becomes a luxury and you get ready to fight for what you feel your normal is. Fight for security.
At least, that’s what I do.
I’m wrong though.
I should just take a breath, allow whatever is going to happen to just happen, and not stress. I have no control anyway. There is literally zero I can do to add or subtract from this sticky equation at this point.
Take my own fucking advice and ‘Take five minutes”
And yet…here I am.
Blindly feeling all the feels. Fighting like the life I thought I had a handle on now is under pressure. Fighting like I’m scared. Confused and helpless. Places I detest being. But am. Because I know the feeling of a lack of security so damn well. And even if it’s a perception, and not truly my reality, it terrifies me.
Living in the now is god damn fucking hard. Fuck.
Because if I look at the now. It doesn’t look great. And yet, if I look ahead, I might see something different…. But then I lose sight of the now. Which, if I choose to believe Eckhart Tolle, is apparently all we truly have.
Feeling stuck. Annoyed. Still stuck. Angry. Scared. Vulnerable. Frustrated. – Insecure –
Because that is what NOW looks like. And I need to deal and feel NOW. If not, I’m avoiding it.
But it’s awful. And I hate the way it feels. Reality is harsh as fuck man.
So again, if I could just shut down everything I am, then this would all be ok. All be easy. Logical, calm and fine. I’m tempted right now. I am…
But I did that, for most of my life and it literally nearly killed me. So perhaps that’s it. That’s the answer.
No, you can’t switch off who you are and still come out the way you are meant to in the end.
Because if we don’t fully immerse ourselves in who we are. Feel what is happening to us, respond in ways we feel we can and should, then who are we?
Someone else. And that’s not who I am.